A Reference Dictionary of Apocalyptic Fixtures, Hazardous Materials & Cryptid Entities · 8 Entries
⚠ All entries are active threats · Do not sit · Do not flush · Do not make eye contact with the bear ⚠
B
05
Boilet
n.
Threat: High
/ˈbɔɪ.lɛt/ — rhymes with foil it, which you should
A toilet constructed entirely from actively boiling water, somehow maintaining its form through processes best left unexamined. The bowl churns at a constant 100°C, producing dense plumes of scalding steam. Seat not included. Seat would not survive. Pressing the flush mechanism releases a geyser event rated at 4.7 on the Scoville Thermal Index.
State: LiquidTemp: 100°C constant
Field WarningDo not approach in enclosed spaces. The boilet generates its own microclimate. Humidity within 3 metres exceeds 100%. Wallpaper will peel. Enemies will also peel.
See also: Oilet (less steamy, equally cursed)
C
04
Coilet
n.
Threat: Moderate
/ˈkɔɪ.lɛt/ — the coil rhymes with your toil to destroy it
A toilet fashioned from tightly wound metallic coils — copper, tungsten, or an alloy yet to be named. Each coil is live. The toilet hums at 60Hz and emits a faint blue corona discharge from the seat rim. Sitting is technically possible. Recommended? No. The flush mechanism completes a circuit the scientific community has declined to classify.
Material: Coiled alloyVoltage: Unconfirmed
Field WarningThe coilet acts as an unintentional Tesla coil in humid environments. Do not place near the boilet. The resulting interaction has been simulated once. The simulation refused to continue.
See also: Boilet (similarly structured, thermally distinct)
D
NEW
Deem Bear
n. / living cryptid
Threat: Unclassifiable
/diːm bɛː/ — Deem: the material. Bear: the animal. A living one. These facts together are the problem.
On the material: Deem
Deem is a substance absorbing 99.9999% of all visible light — beyond any engineered coating, beyond what physics considers achievable. Where light strikes deem, it does not return. Objects made of deem have no sheen, no shadow, no depth. They do not look dark. They look like a shape where reality was removed. Deem's origin is undocumented. Its synthesis is unknown. It should not occur biologically. On the Deem Bear, it does.
The Deem Bear is a living bear — fully organic, fully animate, apparently in good health — whose entire body is coated in deem. It breathes. It moves. It forages. Witnesses hear it before they see it: the snap of undergrowth, the heavy rhythm of something large — and then a bear-shaped form steps into view that absorbs every photon touching it, rendering its fur, claws, and body as a lightless shape with no readable surface.
All except the eyes. The Deem Bear's eyes are white — bright, clean, fully visible — floating in its face like two small moons. They track. They blink. They find you. This is considered significantly worse than if the bear had no visible features, because the eyes confirm that something is home and aware of you.
Trace residue consistent with oilet material has been recovered at every confirmed sighting. Whether the Deem Bear produces oilets, consumes them, or shares a common origin is the central unsolved question of this research programme.
Field Warning — Living EntityCannot be tracked optically. Thermal imaging returns a warm bear-shaped signature described by three separate technicians as "wrong in a way I can't explain." Do not look for its eyes. Its eyes have already found you. If you see two white points at bear-eye height in darkness: that is the Deem Bear, and it has known about you for longer than you have.
Associated with: Oilet (trace residue — link under investigation)
K
NEW
Keleton
n.
Threat: Moderate / Slippery
/ˈkɛl.ɪ.tən/ — kelp + skeleton; it knows what it is
A fully articulated skeleton composed entirely of kelp — Macrocystis pyrifera, giant variety, capable of growing 60cm per day under optimal conditions. The keleton retains the structural memory of bone while remaining entirely, disturbingly botanical. It is green. It is wet. It smells of the ocean in rooms that should not smell of ocean. Each joint is a knot of dense rubbery stipe. The skull is a hollow bulb.
The keleton moves with unsettling fluidity owing to the natural flex of its material. It cannot be broken — kelp is tensile. It can be dried, but it returns. Kelp grows. Skeletons do not. The keleton has reconciled this contradiction in ways that scientists have not.
Field WarningDo not attempt destruction via tearing — kelp has rubber-comparable tensile strength. Do not use fire near water, and the keleton is always near water. If it begins visibly growing during confrontation, retreat immediately. Three agents are still inside the wall coverage from the 2024 incident.
Unrelated to: Coilet (similar structural profile, entirely different problem)
M
02
Moil
n.
Threat: Extreme
/mɔɪl/ — do not say it twice in a row
A pink, semi-luminescent material of disputed origin. Moil is soft to the touch but hardens upon sensing doubt. It emits a warm glow described variously as comforting, suspicious, and deeply wrong. Moil is mildly radioactive at 0.3–2.1 mSv/hr depending on its mood. It should not have a mood. It does. Moil has been observed slowly approaching walls when left unattended.
Critical WarningMoil glows brightest just before significant events. If your sample begins pulsing rapidly, evacuate the building. The city. Consider the hemisphere.
See also: Moilet (moil, shaped like your worst fear)
02b
Moilet
n.
Threat: Extreme
/ˈmɔɪ.lɛt/ — the name alone raises background radiation slightly
A toilet constructed entirely from moil. It glows pink in darkness and warmer pink in light. It radiates ambient warmth — not enough to cook, enough to unsettle. The bowl is smooth, seamless, and seems to remember you. Engineers who designed the original prototype moved to different countries, separately, and have not elaborated. The moilet does not require a water supply. Scientists prefer not to ask why.
Composition: 100% moilGlow: Persistent
Field WarningThe moilet glows brighter when ignored. It is believed to crave attention. Do not give it attention. Also do not withhold attention. There is no correct action. Leave the country.
/ˈmɒnz.lɛt/ — Olympus Mons + toilet; this should not exist
A toilet constructed from Olympus Mons — the largest volcano in the solar system, standing 21.9 km above the Martian datum, base spanning 600 km. The bowl alone exceeds the diameter of France. The flush mechanism is theoretical. The installation logistics have not been addressed, as addressing them would require acknowledging that someone built this. It is unclear how it arrived. It is unclear what it wants.
Height: 21.9 kmMaterial: Volcanic basaltOrigin: MarsStatus: Not your problem yet
Critical Warning — Planetary TierObservable from Earth-based telescopes. NASA issued a statement describing it as "a geological feature of interest" and retracted it within four minutes. If the monslet flushes, the atmospheric event will be visible from Jupiter. Begin destroying now from whatever direction you are facing.
See also: Oilet (comparatively manageable), Moilet (more intimate terror)
O
01
Oilet
n.
Threat: High
/ˈɔɪ.lɛt/ — oil + toilet; the portmanteau no one requested
A toilet constructed entirely from black, shiny oil — crude, viscous, and impossibly structural. The oilet maintains its form against all known laws of fluid dynamics. Its surface reflects everything and reveals nothing. Cold to the touch. Smells of the deep earth, of old things, of time. No seams. No mechanism. The oilet simply is, and has apparently always been here.
Trace oilet residue has been confirmed at every Deem Bear sighting location. The nature of this connection is unknown. Researchers who have pursued it have not pursued it for long.
Field WarningDo not look into the bowl. Field agents report it appears to extend downward without end. One agent reported seeing something looking back. That agent is on indefinite leave. The oilet has since been moved. We do not know how.
See also: Deem Bear (linked by residue), Coilet (structurally distinct), Moilet (worse)